All Things Profane and Sacred

Today I hauled 6 boxes of crap up into the U.S. Attorney's office. How does one accomplish such magic? Glad you asked:

The U.S. Attorney's office is located in the heavily guarded federal fortress, um, I mean building. To get in, you must first circle the building and the strolling security guards looking for the ramp so you can wheel your cargo on in. The ramp will be located as far away from your vehicle and the checkpoint as possible. You then try to produce some I.D. (Does it really make them feel safer knowing my name? Do they think a terrorist would have identification with her actual name on it?), realize you left your I.D. in the van, go back to get the I.D. and then feel like a skulking evil-doer for not having said I.D. mounted to your arm at all time.

You must then unstrap the heavy as shit boxes from your dolly and load them into the x-ray machine. At this point it will occur to you that you have no idea what is actually in the boxes, so you will hope the contents are not guns and dope and porn as you uneasily eye the guards' sidearms. You then push your empty dolly through the metal detector, and go through on your own. Then you strip off your clothes for the guards amusment until they decide you can go on up. You take this humiliation with a grain of salt, remembering Abu Ghraib.

Repeat three times. Go home and drink.