All Things Profane and Sacred

A scene from under the covers in my nice warm bed this morning:

Me: How cold do you think it is outside right now?

Him: Oh, I'd say that you could probably warm up if you climbed inside a well digger's asshole.

Me: Hmmmm. Let's hit the snooze one more time.

Here is an interesting bit I found on the internet today:

How the Grinch Stole Marriage by Mary Ann Horton, Lisa and Bill Koontz (with apologies to Dr. Suess.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
was His heart and brain were two sizes too small.

"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew...All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!

"I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"

"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.

Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.

Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!

"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."

It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."

And what happened then...?
Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.

They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!

... The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."

Tracking back a few posts: If you would like to do more to support our troops than slap a bumper sticker on your big honking truck, there are a few good ideas posted on this site: http://www.changeforamerica.com/community/node/view/1974.

So here's a new one: How do you keep a hound out of the dishwasher? Ok, so this looks easy at first glance-probably because you're thinking, "Um, this shouldn't be a problem." At least this is what I was thinking until I came home Friday to a absolutely shit stormed house. The bottom rack of the dishwasher had been pulled out, there was broken glass everywhere and a good deal of my dishes were broken. Other, whole dishes were strewn about for good measure. FUCK.

After several deep breaths, I cleaned up my house, resolving to always latch the dishwasher from here on out. This morning, before leaving for the client counseling competition, I latched the dishwasher. I clearly remember thinking, "This should do the trick." (I'll bet you can see where I'm going with this.)

More destruction awaited me at home. How on earth did he unlatch the dishwasher? What the fuck is going on here? Why does my life suck like this?

Hola Amigos-I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've been busy lak zee little bee, what with finals fast approaching. I thought I'd put up some thoughts I had yesterday on my way in to school. I got stuck driving through Sellwood behind someone with an "I support our troops" bumper sticker. Now I don't know anything about these people, so for all I know they could be military, or somehow donate their time/efforts to supporting the troops. But I wonder. It's really easy to slap a bumper sticker on your car. It's another thing altogether to send out care packages to our soldiers, write them letters, write your representative about military issues like making sure vets have the health care they need and are able to get home to their loved ones after they serve, volunteer with organizations that provide support to the troops and otherwise take an active role in supporting the men and women who are in the military.

One of the many reasons why this election is so fucking horrible: President Bush has appointed anti-abortion activist Dr. W. David Hager to the Food and Drug Administration's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Dr. Hager is the author of As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now, which blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women.

In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality, Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient.

Hagar's mission is religiously motivated. He has an ardent interest in revoking approval for mifepristone (formerly known as RU-486) as a safe and early form of medical abortion. Hagar recently assisted the Christian Medical Association in a "citizen's petition" which calls upon the FDA to revoke its approval of mifepristone in the name of women's health.
Hager's desire to overturn mifepristone's approval on religious grounds rather than scientific merit would halt the development of mifepristone as a treatment for numerous medical conditions disproportionately affecting women, including breast cancer, uterine cancer, uterine fibroid tumors, psychotic depression, bipolar depression and Cushing's syndrome. Women rely on the FDA to ensure their access to safe and effective drugs for reproductive health care including products that prevent pregnancy.

(The above information was taken from snopes.com)

And the post election blues rock on.

I think yesterday's story was probably more funny to me than anything else, so I'm going to try another funny story today. Okay, here goes:

I used to work in property management, mostly dealing with apartments in the less glamorous area of town. Anyhow, one day maintenance went out to someone's house and was fixing a tenant's refrigerator. The tenant, an older woman, called the office that afternoon to let us know that our maintenance guy had left some tools at her apartment. We sent the maintence guy back to her apartment to pick up his tools. He told us when he came back that there were no tools left behind-what had happened was he had pulled out the fridge to work on it, and found three crack pipes. He figured they belonged to the current tenant, so he left them on the counter. They must have belonged to a previous tenant who had forgotten them. In any case, he simply picked up the "tools" and tossed them in the dumpster.

Ok, I'm just not a funny story teller. No talent. Ah well.

I'm hung over and depressed today. That will be the extent of my post-election wrap up. Instead I'm going to tell y'all a funny story. Would you like a funny story? Hmmm? Okay. So J called me last night before he came over for my election party to let me know he was on his way over. Before signing off, he said, "I set my real shoes on fire today, so I'm going to be wearing my weird shoes. I know you're going to laugh at me, and I just want to warn you ahead of time." Apparently he was welding and, well, set his shoes on fire. (And not for the first time, but I digress.) I wanted to know more about the weird shoes, but he was playing all coy. Anyhow, now he is walking around in size 15 vinyl wingtips until he can get some new shoes.

One more election eve thought that's been swimming around in my head-Here in Oregon, there's a ballot measure that would limit damages in medical malpractice cases. Can you imagine people voting to limit damages in legal malpractice cases? I know I can't.

My wish, on this election eve, is for a clear and decisive victory. Let's keep this motherfucker out of the courts, shall we? And, oh, hey, guys? Could we stop trying to disenfranchise voters? That totally sucks huge hairy donkey dick. And what's with letting dead people vote? That really chaps my ass. So no stealing the election. It really looks bad when we run around trying to democratize other countries, but can't get it right here at home.